The drama triangle

I remember the moment I first learned about the drama triangle. I was in training for a volunteer role I was about to begin, back in 2021. It was one of those moments where it felt as if someone had suddenly switched a light on. So many things became clear all at once.

From that point onwards, I was able to analyse and better understand not only my own behaviour, but also the behaviour of the people around me. What I learned in that training only scratched the surface, so naturally I dug deeper and quickly found myself going down a deep rabbit hole.

The drama triangle was developed in 1968 by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman MD. The model was originally created to describe the typical roles people take on in relationships of all kinds, particularly during conflict. It helps us understand what causes destructive behaviour, hence the term “drama”.

According to the model, there are just three roles that humans assume: the victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor. It really is that simple. And yet, after observing human behaviour through the lens of this model since 2021, I can confidently say that we all play out these roles in everyday life, without exception. Well… almost without exception.

The only real exception, in my view, is if you have managed to break free from the drama triangle altogether. And I believe that this is, or at least should be, one of our main aims in life. While we are on the triangle, playing out these roles, we are captive. Leaving it is what sets us free.

Through my observations, I have noticed that most people tend to have a dominant or favourite role. This role shows up consistently in their everyday behaviours, reactions, and in the words they choose. That said, it is both possible and very common for people to switch roles depending on the situation and on who they are interacting with or in relationship with.

I have also seen that we can change roles at certain times in our lives. I feel this is closely linked to maturity, which does not necessarily come with age: children can display more maturity than fully grown adults. I will write about the "immature adult" in another article. Importantly, all three roles on the triangle are toxic. There are no winners and no one is truly happy or living their full potential while playing out these roles.

There is a lot of literature available on the drama triangle, and I strongly recommend reading widely. In this article, I want to focus on example behaviours and typical things people say in each role. I believe this makes it easier to recognise these patterns, first and foremost in yourself. Because awareness is the first step to changing behaviours, changing relationships, and ultimately breaking free from the drama triangle.

Before delving further into the individual roles, I want to introduce another piece of information that has helped me understand the drama triangle on a much deeper level.

The Map of Consciousness

After reading David R. Hawkins’ book The Map of Consciousness Explained, yet another light switched on for me. I began to see clear similarities between his descriptions of the various levels of consciousness and the roles on the drama triangle.

Hawkins describes human consciousness in terms of energy levels, and as I started observing the drama triangle through this lens, I noticed that the roles seem to correlate very closely with different levels of energy. His life’s work is deeply wise and insightful, and I believe it is essential for understanding oneself and for guidance on the path to enlightenment. This energetic perspective also explains why the original drama triangle points downwards. The point of the triangle is at the bottom, with the victim positioned below, and the rescuer and persecutor in the “above” roles. This reflects the victim being energetically lower, while the other two roles look down on them.

With this in mind, I will now return to the roles themselves, starting with the victim, and I will match the roles with the energy levels that Hawkins presents in his scale. To fully understand this, I recommend referring to his many published works and videos, which explain the levels and how we can apply the map to our lives.

The Victim

One of the telltale signs of the victim role is an inability, or outright refusal, to take responsibility for their actions, words, and for what happens to them in life. The victim is passive in every way. They believe that things always happen to them. They take things personally and are easily offended, which is deeply linked to ego. Taking responsibility feels threatening because, in their eyes, it weakens them even further. For this reason, victims often find it very hard to accept blame or to apologise.

Victims are also frequently passive-aggressive in both their behaviour and their language. They walk away from problems rather than confronting them, often because they are afraid of rejection or criticism. In conflict, they may physically remove themselves from the situation while muttering under their breath what they cannot say to someone’s face. They lack the maturity to stand their ground, speak confidently, and express their feelings in order to face a problem and solve it themselves.

Victims complain about people and speak badly about them behind their backs. They lack the confidence to speak their truth, kindly and directly, and to confront people and situations in order to change them.

Victims often say things like:

* “Well, it was obvious that this would happen to me.”

* “Who else?”

* “Why should I do it? Someone else can do it.”

* “Whatever I do, it’s never enough.”

* “No one ever listens to me.”

* “No one cares what I say.”

* “It won’t change, no matter what I do.”

Victims are often the ones being bullied, at school, in the workplace, and in relationships. They seem to need special attention and sympathy, which may be one reason why they allow themselves to remain in these dynamics.

They are frequently dependent on others, especially in relationships, and believe that others know better what is good for them, such as doctors, teachers, counsellors, or therapists. They seek guidance, praise, and acceptance from outside themselves. They may seek therapy primarily to talk about how terrible they feel, how the world is against them, and how powerless they are.

Victims often resist information that would require them to change something in their lives, whether a belief, behaviour, or perspective. This cognitive dissonance keeps them stuck, and authority is rarely questioned. This is also typical behaviour in immature adults, adults who have not grown up to take inner responsibility. I will dedicate a separate post to this.

Illness is also common in the victim role, including hypochondria. Being ill reinforces a sense of powerlessness, and many victims define themselves through their illness, saying things like: “I am ill”; “I have a condition that can’t be changed”; “I can’t do things like that.”

Knowing that we create our realities with the enormous power of our own words and thoughts, it is no wonder that victims become ill. They use negative language and think negative thoughts, and so make themselves ill. Victims often operate at low energy levels, experiencing emotions such as blame, despair, regret, and anxiety. They can therefore become what is sometimes described as “energy vampires”, feeding off the attention, sympathy, or emotional energy of others, whether positive or negative.

Interestingly, what can catapult a victim into another role is often anger or rage. These are stronger energies, corresponding to level 150 on the Map of Consciousness. In these moments, victims may begin to see that they have choices and may discover, or be encouraged to make, a choice, however small.

The Persecutor

The persecutor role is driven by blame, control, and a need to feel powerful. Persecutors are quick to look for fault: “Who did this?” “Whose fault is this?” Once blame has been assigned, they feel justified in reprimanding, punishing, or shaming others.

Persecutors need victims in order to feel strong, superior, and in control. Without someone “below” them, their sense of power collapses. For this reason, they are often highly manipulative and controlling. Emotional blackmail is one of their preferred tools.

This behaviour is commonly seen in families and intimate relationships, especially where jealousy is in play. Persecutors work with emotional blackmail to keep control, very often in relationships, but also commonly among parents who want to keep their children “under control”. Statements such as “If you love me you won’t go to that party” or “If you do this, then there will be consequences” are classic examples. In parenting this dynamic is often normalised, but it is still rooted in control rather than empowerment.

Persecutors frequently occupy positions of authority, or even small pockets of power, where others are at their mercy. Teachers, public servants, traffic wardens, and members of the police force can all fall into this role when power is misused and exercised without empathy.

They often imagine ways of getting their own back and may carry these out, feeling fully justified because the other person “needs to learn from their mistakes”. Empathy is largely absent, often because persecutors have been victims themselves and deeply despise that role. Looking down on others becomes a way to distance themselves from their own unresolved pain.

They say things like: “That serves you right”; “I told you this would happen”; “If you’d listened to me, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Bullies, at school, in the workplace, or within families, have often been bullied themselves. They attempt to shake off their own feelings of hurt by projecting them onto others. For brief moments this feels relieving, even pleasurable, but the feelings inevitably return because they are deeply anchored within.

Persecutors become easily frustrated with others who never seem to meet their standards or get anything right. They compare other people’s perceived incompetence with their own exemplary, superior behaviour. By constantly identifying weaknesses and imperfections in others, they reinforce their own sense of superiority. The only true way out of this role is for the person to face their underlying pain, heal it, and reconnect with the heart.

The Rescuer

At first glance, rescuers appear to be helpers. They genuinely want to help, or at least believe they do. They notice faults, weaknesses, or struggles in others and feel compelled to step in because people are not living up to their standards or handling situations in what they consider the right way.

Their need for control and for feeling worthy is disguised as care and concern. Help is often offered even when it has not been requested. In doing so, rescuers disempower the very people they are trying to support.

Rescuers frequently go beyond their own limits, helping to their own detriment. Over time they become exhausted, fed up, and resentful toward the people they set out to help. They are often found in roles of support and guidance, such as teachers, carers, volunteers, and charity workers. They like their efforts to be seen and acknowledged and may talk openly about how much they are giving and how difficult it is for them.

Rescuers are highly attuned to what they perceive as evil. They spot persecutors from a mile off and feel compelled to save others from being tricked, controlled, or dominated. This can turn into a personal mission, or even a vendetta, against the perceived persecutor.

In relationships, rescuers may “help” their partner deal with ex-partners by suggesting strategies or encouraging certain behaviours. This dynamic works as long as the partner accepts the help and follows the rescuer’s rules. Parents in the rescuer role often step in to protect their child from what they consider unfair treatment by teachers or authorities, through emails, phone calls, or confrontations. While this may appear supportive, it reveals a lack of faith in the child’s ability to stand up for themselves. Ironically, rescuing robs the child of self-empowerment, confidence, and vital growth opportunities.

When a rescuer’s help is declined or no longer needed, strong emotions arise. They may switch into the persecutor role and say things like: “Well, see if I care”; “Fine, learn the hard way”; “Don’t come asking for my help again.”

Or into the victim role: “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me”; “You never listened to me anyway”; “You clearly don’t need me anymore.”

I have read and heard it said that the rescuer role is often the final stage before people leave the drama triangle altogether.

Breaking Free from the Drama Triangle

Breaking free begins with awareness.

1. You become aware of the roles.

2. You recognise the behaviours.

3. You see how familiar and repetitive the dramas in your life are. You realise that all drama is self-made. You remain ‘within yourself’ in interactions with others, even as they continue to play out roles on the triangle. You recognise that this is their choice, their path, and their responsibility. They are responsible for their choices, their pain, and the role they play.

If you cannot live alongside someone while they remain immersed in drama, you leave. Lovingly. Even once we have broken free, we may still occasionally find ourselves being pulled back into drama or briefly assuming a role on the triangle. The difference is that we become aware of it quickly and consciously choose to step back out again.

Climbing the Levels of Consciousness

In order to climb to higher levels of consciousness, such as joy, love, and peace, it is helpful to understand the many levels of consciousness and to recognise our own energy levels and the behaviours associated with them. According to Hawkins, level 200, courage, is the critical turning point. It marks the shift from weakness to strength, from victimhood to self-responsibility. It makes sense, then, to aim to practise courage wherever possible in our lives and to take responsibility for everything that happens in our lives.

This is where true growth and awakening begins.

References

Tomkinson, M. Everybody’s Guide to the Drama Triangle. The Sanctuary Scotland.

Hawkins, D. R. (2020). The Map of Consciousness Explained. Hay House.